WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

No, this isn’t my first humor rant about parking. Yes, this one is different. Shut up and read it. Read both! Tell your friends! Click the Share/Save button below! SIMON SAYS, READ THE RANT!

Let’s say you pull in to the parking lot and you’re going to run in and grab some things. You may be 5 minutes, you may be 2 hours, but you park in an empty area of the parking lot right? Here’s the idea:

|_|
|X|

Your vehicle is the X, and there’s an empty spot in front of you. WHY IS IT THAT NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU ARE IN THE STORE (or whatever), SOMEBODY HAS TO PARK DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU? Same thing for a parking spot right behind you! SOMEBODY ALWAYS HAS TO TAKE THAT SPOT!

Seriously! Is it that hard to park? I have to be your guide? You have to block my path? I could park at the top of the parking lot, a mile away from the store, and the fattest person I’ve ever met would park directly in front of me JUST BECAUSE. They can’t even walk from their couch to their bed without stopping for a rest, but they can walk a mile to the store JUST TO PARK IN FRONT OF ME.

WHY?! I know I’m not the only one that deals with this. OR AM I? IS THE WORLD PARKING LOT STALKING ME? No, no it isn’t.

Why does it bug me? I don’t really know. Why are you doing it? You don’t know either. SO QUIT IT.

This is what you SHOULD do:

|_|_|Y|
|X|_|_|

This is what you REALLY do:

|Y|_|_|
|X|_|_|

Shame on you.

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Car • Humor • Parking • Rant »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

You find yourself staying at the hotel for a night, or a few nights, it doesn’t really matter. Suddenly that dreaded moment arrives where it’s go time and you rush into the bathroom to put the “finishing touch” on the meal you had yesterday. As you finish, you reach over to find some of the worst toilet paper you’ll ever use.

Why? Certainly you’re overcharging me for this room. On top of it all you’ve offered me some sort of “breakfast” in the morning, free coffee any time, a small coffee maker in the room, free soap, free towels to use, and all sorts of little freebies to make it feel like home. HOME DOESN’T HAVE AWFUL TOILET PAPER FROM A KNOCKOFF OF THE DOLLAR TREE.

Of course, ladies probably discover this issue a lot quicker than the men.

No matter how many hotels you stay at, it seems like you forget about the toilet paper issue until you’re there, on the toilet, at the moment of doom.

I mean, first you have to use too much of it because it’s either 1 ply or a very very very thin 2 ply and nobody wants their finger breaking through in that mess. Am I right? Just say yes.

Nobody wants to wipe with that junk! You’d get cleaner using leaves! Just don’t grab the poison ivy on accident. Give me some Charmin or Cottonelle or something. You tell me to come to (or call) the desk and ask and I can have more pillows, or a toothbrush, or more free things, but you’re handing me a roll of ultra-thin sandpaper to wipe with? At least real sandpaper would do some cleaning!

REMEMBER KIDS! DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT A ROLL OF YOUR FAVORITE TOILET PAPER! The hotel sure won’t have it!

Filed under: Humor Rant
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

Okay, so maybe I’m a bit late to rant about this. This has been an irritating thing for years, right? I’m sick of getting "customer service" IN CHAT SPEAK.

When I’m talking to a representative of a company, business, or whatever online and I’m looking to get some customer service, I don’t care HOW BIG or small your company is, DO NOT CHAT TO ME LIKE A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL ON A CELL PHONE WOULD.

"HOW R U 2DAY" is not the proper way to greet your customers.

You know, your brain doesn’t think in chat speak. If for some strange reason you think it does, you need help on a professional level! You have to put effort into typing like an idiot. You went to school! You know how to spell! You are putting effort into this and it pisses me off. It doesn’t make your customer feel more welcome or more comfortable with you, no matter what your silly two day training course on "Making your customer feel at home" may have told you; it makes you look like an idiot in front of your customer.

I don’t even like chat speak in a personal conversation! I use chat speak in a way to mock it sometimes, but not even that in a professional conversation. COME ON.

It isn’t like I contacted YOU with chat speak. No, I wrote out a well thought out message about something and you replied with chat speak. I can’t even call it lazy because, like I said, you had to put effort into it.

Also, what’s the big deal with REMOVING A SINGLE LETTER from a word for chat speak? IT IS ONE KEYSTROKE. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

/humor rant

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Chat Speak • Customer Support • Humor • Rant • Support »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH. 

I’m sure this has been ranted about it a million times, but it remains true.

What is with plastic packaging? There is more plastic put into the packaging for things I buy than there is in or part of the things I buy.

On top of it, getting it open is a lethal hazard!  Not only do you walk away cut up like you just got out of a knife fight, the rest of the package that you’re left with (pieces of it? SHARDS?) might as well be weapons.

You want to start a fight? I’ll bring my PLASTIC PACKAGING. ROAR. I’ll win, too. You’ve opened this stuff before, you know not to challenge me on this. If for some crazy reason you don’t believe me, go open the toys and gifts for people on Christmas morning. You’ll see!

I’m no tree hugger but I’m not stupid, either. We’re wasting so much on packaging that we’re ending up with scars AND extra needless waste.

It’s like the company is saying, "As our customer, you DESERVE this item… but not until you fight for 3 days and come out with the scars."

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Packaging • Plastic »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

Why is it that when I go to buy underwear (boxers, since you asked) that I have to see what some guy(s) look like modeling with only his boxers on? Why? If sex sells, who exactly are you advertising to? I’m not gay, and I sure don’t look like that in these boxers. Nobody does. I’m pretty sure that guy’s wearing a different brand. I think the brand in the package "Steroids & Sock Stuffers, Inc." but who knows?

And I don’t dare make the mistake of looking to the left or right a little, because the whitey tighties are worse.

Is the advertising supposed to be for my wife because she’s supposed to buy these for me? That’s silly. What are you selling her, my boxers or an escort service? Seriously. Wait, is that what you’re trying to sell me? Both of us? I just want some new boxers.

I don’t want some guy’s junk in my face while I’m looking at boxers. Why would I want that? Is it a conspiracy? I think that the guys in marketing are confused. I really do.

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Advertising • Boxers • Marketing »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

LiveJournal is where you go when you’re having a pissy bad day and you want to try to ruin the lives of everybody around you. Did somebody poop in your cocoa puffs? Get on LiveJournal.

Bad day at work? The customers didn’t bow down and worship you? You had to DO YOUR JOB instead of sitting on your rear being lazy while the rest of us are begging for jobs? Go on LiveJournal and find a community and complain about it.

I swear, that place is filled with people that are so stubborn and closed-minded it’s ridiculous. The people who put "open minded" in their profiles are the worst ones!

You’re not allowed to have an opinion unless it is 100% in agreement with THEIRS. Holy. Crap. And make sure to agree with them; they’ll STILL find a way to argue with your opinion. What do you think an opinion is? Eat my shorts. I don’t care what you think. Why do you think I care? Why should I?

And for the sake of your sanity DO NOT talk about how you care for your pet. EVER. Your pet must:

• Live better than you.
• Sleep better than you.
• EAT better than you.
• Come before your friends.
• Come before your family.
• Come before your job.
• Come before your life.
• Be worshipped as the holy whatever might be holy in your mind, but HIGHER than that.

If you have to choose between feeding your child or feeding your pet, remember that LiveJournal users will cut off your arms if you don’t choose your pet first.

And do you know how they say to avoid specific topics to avoid arguments? LiveJournal is where you go when you want to START those arguments. Religion, sex, race, whatever… people intentionally bring this stuff up JUST to get arguments going. If you don’t argue back, they’ll hunt you down. They come to your personal journal, your forums, your job, your house. They want you to fight so bad that they’ll go to extremes to get the fight from you.

Join LiveJournal today! Let’s kill each other over stupidity!

Obviously I don’t use my LiveJournal much.

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « LiveJournal »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

Okay, come on, this is a one way lane and you have 15 cars behind you right now because you’re waiting on somebody to leave so you can get this random spot. PARKING SPOTS AREN’T SECRETLY GOING EXTINCT. And look! There’s one like 3 spots away. Oh but you have to get this one? WHY.

On top of it you’re so close to the car that you’re waiting on that they can’t even back out! So you’re blocking up the whole lane for NOTHING. You’re keeping them from getting out, 15 other people from moving on, and plenty of other people trying to get in and out. JUST FIND A NEW SPOT. You’re probably fat anyway, so park further away from the building and walk it.

It’s nice weather, there are plenty of other spaces that may require a few extra steps but no, you have to ruin everybody else’s parking experience and HOG THE LANE.

You know what’s hilarious? When you do that to me, I SIT THERE AND MAKE YOU WAIT. I’ll pull out some groceries and HAVE A SNACK! You know why? I WAS HERE FIRST! Don’t honk at me while I’m putting my kid in the car either… I’m not rushing because you’re lazy. There’s an open spot next to me and nothing in the world is blocking you from taking it. Why do you want mine? Is it special? Is there a secret gold mine under it? Will magical elves grant you a wish if you take THIS spot? Am I mixing up fictional creatures?

You don’t have to have THAT spot. Why not find a new spot anyway? If you enter this spot you also enter every car that’s been in this spot. How do you like that? HUH? And I don’t see a rubber on your SUV. That’s not right.

Where am I? Who are you? How’d I get here?

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Extinction • Parking »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

O cashier at the store, why must you crap on my day?

I didn’t make the store busy, or make it so that you had no bathroom breaks. I’m not the one underpaying you and overworking you. I had nothing to do with the person way ahead of me in your 20 items or less line with a full cart. I didn’t tell the other customers to complain to you and cuss you out because of said full cart. I smiled at you and you wouldn’t even greet me. You were too busy moaning and groaning to the other cashiers ignoring their customers.

I didn’t kick you in the face, though your sarcasm and insulting behavior didn’t help me keep the thought to myself. I don’t know who urinated in your cereal or pooped in your cocoa puffs, but it sure wasn’t me. If you hate the job so much, please quit and let somebody who needs it take it. Save it for when you get home and complain on the internet like the rest of us.

Anyway, all I want is my two items, and to leave with my smile in tact. I had a good day; don’t crap on it. Thanks.

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Cashier »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

Ok, sure, you have the right and blah blah blah whatever. Don’t stand right there by the only entrance/exit and smoke in my face. That crap messes with my throat and gets me all scratchy and coughing. Move away from the door a little; it won’t kill you. Your smoking will kill you before taking 10 steps away from the door will.

And your little kid is sitting beside you while you smoke. I’m protecting mine! But it’s your right, right? I have more of a right to fart in public places than you have a right to smoke by the only exit. At least farting is natural! If I fart in your face, you’ll get all pissed off, but if you smoke in my face I’m supposed to just take it? No way. Bend down, I feel something coming on. At least my farting has only nearly killed people, but smoking does kill. Did my hacking and coughing as you breathed it into my face not make a point?

One time it was so serious for a lady that she wasn’t even outside! An employee was taking a "smoke break" but while working! She was inside the entrance so she wouldn’t get in trouble. IN A NO SMOKING ESTABLISHMENT. RIGHT THERE ALL IN MY PREGNANT WIFE’S FACE.

Why don’t I eat beans for two days straight, and add some other fiber-fart-creating dishes to the mix and just sit in the entrance/exit right by the door, ripping farts as people walk in? What a wonderful plan! I could make sure it’s on a super hot day with no breeze (other than my own) so that it lingers a bit.

In the end my farts fade away. Your smoking carries on in your clothing and home. But that’s fine, I don’t care what you do with it, I’m not trying to tell you to stop smoking… just stop doing it right by the entrance/exit and in my face.

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Farting • Fiber • Smoking »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments

WARNING: HUMOR RANT AHEAD. Exaggerated, pessimistic, and possibly offensive content ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. MUAHAHAHAHAH.

When I email in to support at a company, I can understand if for some reason they have a perfect reply for my issue and copy + paste it (though they could at LEAST personalize it a little, and take the last guy’s name out of it). What I don’t understand is why most companies hire people that are so stupid and lazy that they don’t read more than 5 words in an email and assume that a copy + paste reply will settle the issue because it has these same five words in it. This is unacceptable but it happens all of the time!

Imagine if a suicide email support group was like that! Not very much help, huh?

I shouldn’t have to send you 10 replies insisting that you read my first email to your company, because you’ve only skimmed it for key words! I should only have had to send you ONE email, not 40 more! I’m clear and precise, and you’re the idiot with the customer support job. Hello? Anyone home? Read my words and resolve the issue.

Filed under: Humor Rant
Tags: « Customer Support • Email • Support »
by N.G. Woosh
Comments