No, this isn’t my first humor rant about parking. Yes, this one is different. Shut up and read it. Read both! Tell your friends! Click the Share/Save button below! SIMON SAYS, READ THE RANT!

Let’s say you pull in to the parking lot and you’re going to run in and grab some things. You may be 5 minutes, you may be 2 hours, but you park in an empty area of the parking lot right? Here’s the idea:

|_|
|X|

Your vehicle is the X, and there’s an empty spot in front of you. WHY IS IT THAT NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU ARE IN THE STORE (or whatever), SOMEBODY HAS TO PARK DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU? Same thing for a parking spot right behind you! SOMEBODY ALWAYS HAS TO TAKE THAT SPOT!

Seriously! Is it that hard to park? I have to be your guide? You have to block my path? I could park at the top of the parking lot, a mile away from the store, and the fattest person I’ve ever met would park directly in front of me JUST BECAUSE. They can’t even walk from their couch to their bed without stopping for a rest, but they can walk a mile to the store JUST TO PARK IN FRONT OF ME.

WHY?! I know I’m not the only one that deals with this. OR AM I? IS THE WORLD PARKING LOT STALKING ME? No, no it isn’t.

Why does it bug me? I don’t really know. Why are you doing it? You don’t know either. SO QUIT IT.

This is what you SHOULD do:

|_|_|Y|
|X|_|_|

This is what you REALLY do:

|Y|_|_|
|X|_|_|

Shame on you.

You find yourself staying at the hotel for a night, or a few nights, it doesn’t really matter. Suddenly that dreaded moment arrives where it’s go time and you rush into the bathroom to put the “finishing touch” on the meal you had yesterday. As you finish, you reach over to find some of the worst toilet paper you’ll ever use.

Why? Certainly you’re overcharging me for this room. On top of it all you’ve offered me some sort of “breakfast” in the morning, free coffee any time, a small coffee maker in the room, free soap, free towels to use, and all sorts of little freebies to make it feel like home. HOME DOESN’T HAVE AWFUL TOILET PAPER FROM A KNOCKOFF OF THE DOLLAR TREE.

Of course, ladies probably discover this issue a lot quicker than the men.

No matter how many hotels you stay at, it seems like you forget about the toilet paper issue until you’re there, on the toilet, at the moment of doom.

I mean, first you have to use too much of it because it’s either 1 ply or a very very very thin 2 ply and nobody wants their finger breaking through in that mess. Am I right? Just say yes.

Nobody wants to wipe with that junk! You’d get cleaner using leaves! Just don’t grab the poison ivy on accident. Give me some Charmin or Cottonelle or something. You tell me to come to (or call) the desk and ask and I can have more pillows, or a toothbrush, or more free things, but you’re handing me a roll of ultra-thin sandpaper to wipe with? At least real sandpaper would do some cleaning!

REMEMBER KIDS! DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT A ROLL OF YOUR FAVORITE TOILET PAPER! The hotel sure won’t have it!

Okay, so maybe I’m a bit late to rant about this. This has been an irritating thing for years, right? I’m sick of getting "customer service" IN CHAT SPEAK.

When I’m talking to a representative of a company, business, or whatever online and I’m looking to get some customer service, I don’t care HOW BIG or small your company is, DO NOT CHAT TO ME LIKE A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL ON A CELL PHONE WOULD.

"HOW R U 2DAY" is not the proper way to greet your customers.

You know, your brain doesn’t think in chat speak. If for some strange reason you think it does, you need help on a professional level! You have to put effort into typing like an idiot. You went to school! You know how to spell! You are putting effort into this and it pisses me off. It doesn’t make your customer feel more welcome or more comfortable with you, no matter what your silly two day training course on "Making your customer feel at home" may have told you; it makes you look like an idiot in front of your customer.

I don’t even like chat speak in a personal conversation! I use chat speak in a way to mock it sometimes, but not even that in a professional conversation. COME ON.

It isn’t like I contacted YOU with chat speak. No, I wrote out a well thought out message about something and you replied with chat speak. I can’t even call it lazy because, like I said, you had to put effort into it.

Also, what’s the big deal with REMOVING A SINGLE LETTER from a word for chat speak? IT IS ONE KEYSTROKE. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

/humor rant

I’m sure this has been ranted about it a million times, but it remains true.

What is with plastic packaging? There is more plastic put into the packaging for things I buy than there is in or part of the things I buy.

On top of it, getting it open is a lethal hazard!  Not only do you walk away cut up like you just got out of a knife fight, the rest of the package that you’re left with (pieces of it? SHARDS?) might as well be weapons.

You want to start a fight? I’ll bring my PLASTIC PACKAGING. ROAR. I’ll win, too. You’ve opened this stuff before, you know not to challenge me on this. If for some crazy reason you don’t believe me, go open the toys and gifts for people on Christmas morning. You’ll see!

I’m no tree hugger but I’m not stupid, either. We’re wasting so much on packaging that we’re ending up with scars AND extra needless waste.

It’s like the company is saying, "As our customer, you DESERVE this item… but not until you fight for 3 days and come out with the scars."

Why is it that when I go to buy underwear (boxers, since you asked) that I have to see what some guy(s) look like modeling with only his boxers on? Why? If sex sells, who exactly are you advertising to? I’m not gay, and I sure don’t look like that in these boxers. Nobody does. I’m pretty sure that guy’s wearing a different brand. I think the brand in the package "Steroids & Sock Stuffers, Inc." but who knows?

And I don’t dare make the mistake of looking to the left or right a little, because the whitey tighties are worse.

Is the advertising supposed to be for my wife because she’s supposed to buy these for me? That’s silly. What are you selling her, my boxers or an escort service? Seriously. Wait, is that what you’re trying to sell me? Both of us? I just want some new boxers.

I don’t want some guy’s junk in my face while I’m looking at boxers. Why would I want that? Is it a conspiracy? I think that the guys in marketing are confused. I really do.